Good Morning! As we continue our message series on a PARENTS SACRED TRUST, this week we'll be looking at the key to building a great family. Foundational to building a great family is that you build a great marriage. Great marriages produce great kids. Great kids change the world.
A key verse to remember and memorize if you are going to build a great marriage is Philippians 2:2 - from the Phillips version. It says "... Live together in harmony and love, as though you only had one mind and spirit between you."
In reality very few marriages live in harmony, unity and intimacy. In fact, if the truth were known, most people would say, "I feel cheated in my marriage. I'm disappointed in it. It's not at all what I expected it to be." What happened? Good marriages just don't happen. I don't care who you marry. Good marriages just don't happen. They are intentional. They take time, commitment, and most of all they take effort.
Ephesians 4:3 says "Make every effort to keep the unity of the spirit." Today in our devotional I want to talk with you about the six secrets of a great marriage. I want to identify them. And I want you to evaluate yourself on these six areas -- six keys -- to a great marriage.
Most of us at some time in our lives have an annual performance review at work. When you're doing your taxes, you probably do an annual financial review. Some of you get an annual physical checkup. I want you to do a check up on your marriage today. Evaluate yourself along the lines of six things.
#1. COMMUNICATION. Proverbs 13:17 says "Reliable communication permits progress."
It takes communication to have a successful, satisfying marriage. If you want to make progress in your marriage, you've got to talk. Eighty-five percent of all marriage problems is this: poor communication. TIME magazine released a statistic that said, "The average couple talks to each other alone four minutes a day. The average couple spends 47 hours a week in front of the television and spends about 30 minutes total in communication per week. It's no wonder we don't communicate. We don't talk with each other. We’re to busy watching TV.
Folks, men and women have very different communication needs. The average woman talks about 30,000 words a day. The average man talks about 20,000 words a day. When the man comes home from work he's used up almost all his words. So he's going to grunt his way through the evening. But the wife, because she has a bigger storage, has ten grand to expand. She's dying to talk! This causes great frustration in a marriage. You've got to learn to communicate.
Evaluate yourself in communication -- one to ten. If communication in your marriage is at a minimum level, give yourself a "1". If you say, Sometimes we're on the same wavelength, give yourself a "4". If you plan to talk together, schedule times to talk, give yourself a "10".
#2. CONSIDERATION. Ephesians 4:2 says "Show your love by being helpful to each other."
Consideration simply means paying attention to what your spouse says, showing common courtesy, treating people with respect. Consideration means you go out and bring in the groceries, even if it is the 4th quarter. Consideration means you wait until she has both legs in the car before you pull out of the driveway!
It is amazing how quickly consideration vanishes once we get married. We're very considerate when we're dating. Here are the the five stages of a marriage consideration:
Stage 1 -- "Baby, darling, I'm worried about that sniffle you have. I've called the paramedics to rush you to Stanford hospital for a checkup and some rest. I know you don't like hospital food so I'll bring your meals."
Stage 2 -- "Sweetheart, I don't like the sound of that cough. I've arrange for the doctor to make a house call. Let me tuck you in bed."
Stage 3 -- "You look like you've got a fever. Why don't you drive yourself down to the clinic and get some medicine. I'll watch the kids."
Stage 4 -- "Look, be sensible. After you've fed and bathed the kid and wash dishes, you really ought to get in bed."
Stage 5 -- "For Pete's sake! Would you stop coughing? I can't hear the television! Would you mind going into the other room while this show is on? You sound like a barking dog."
Reminds me of the guy that said, "When I first got married my wife brought me my slippers and my dog barked. Now it's reversed." It’s so easy to lose consideration for each other. James 3:17 says "Consideration is a mark of wisdom." When I'm inconsiderate to Sharon, I'm stupid. The wise thing is to be considerate of your husband, of your wife.
If you're considerate when you're in a good mood, give yourself a "1". If you help your mate out when they ask you, give yourself a "5". If you look for ways to lighten your mate's load, give yourself a "10". Anticipate, look for ways to make your mate's life easier.
#3. COMPROMISE. This is a real mark of love. 1 Corinthians 13:5 says "Love does not demand it's own way."
The unloving thing to do is try to change your mate. The unloving thing to do in marriage is to always try/expect top get your own way. The loving thing is to not demand your own way. The loving thing to do in marriage is to learn how to compromise.
Three facts of life: 1) You will have conflict in marriage. Every marriage has conflict. 2) There are some issues you're never going to agree on. Because you're different. 3) Compromise is the evidence of real love. You meet in the middle. You're flexible. You yield your rights. Give and take. You learn the art of negotiation.
What kinds of things will you need to learn to compromise over? The kinds of vacations your take. Some people like to see 102 events in 2 days. Other people want to go to one place and stay put. We relax different ways. You have to compromise.
The way your kids are raised.... how often you make love... when you make love... the way your money is spent... how often you see the in-laws... how you spend your day off. Folks, more marriages die from inflexibility than adultery, alcoholism, or abuse. It's a fact that we're just plain stubborn. We're rigid. We don't want to change or negotiate or compromise. We want our way and that's why most marriages die.
If you are stubborn until you get your way, give yourself a "1". If you don't talk about issues you don't agree on, give yourself a "-1". If you stay with an issue until you work it out, give yourself an "8". If both of you go the second mile with each other, give in, do more than your share, give yourself a "10".
#4. COURTSHIP. Proverbs 5:19 says "Let your mate's affection fill you at all times with delight."
Physical affection is vital, absolutely vital to a satisfying marriage. If there was more courting in marriage there would be fewer marriages in court. The real problem with many marriages is that what you did to win your mate's love you have not continued to do to keep your mate's love. You've stopped courting.
Folks, here’s my encouragement for you –Date your mate. Ecclesiastes 9:9 says "Enjoy life with your wife whom you love." The things she did before she was your wife, do those same things with her now that she is your wife. Make your relationship a priority, become best friends, have fun. You must develop things that you like to do together. You must find common ground. It is intentional; good marriages don't just happen. You've got to find a hobby you both like to do. Find a recreation you both like to do. Find some fun things you both enjoy doing. Marriages are built on shared relationships.
If your courting is nonexistent, too busy to have fun, give yourself a "1". Have you noticed that the longer you're married, the more you share the chores but the less you share the joys? You don't have fun anymore. Life becomes a burden and not a blessing. If you schedule at least a weekly date, give yourself a "10". A date night or a date lunch.
#5. COMMITMENT. It takes commitment for a satisfying marriage. Malachi 2:16 says "`I hate divorce,' says the Lord, `Make sure you do not break your promise to be faithful to your mate.'"
You'll never build a great marriage if divorce is always an option for you. If it's always back there, lurking in the back as a potential option, you will never build a great marriage. It's just too easy to walk out. When the times are tough and every bone in your body says, "I'm not going to take this anymore! I'm splitting!" -- if divorce is an option, you'll take it.
You have to lock the escape hatch on your marriage if you want a great marriage. Throw away the key. You must assume "Til death do us part. I made a promise to God and I'm going to keep it if it kills me!" Commitment is what makes a marriage great. If divorce is an option then you're not going to put forth the effort.
When you make a commitment, it means also that you don't use the threat of divorce when you get ticked off. When you get mad, you don't hint at leaving. And you don't use scare words. They are off limits, hitting below the belt. Unacceptable. No matter how mad you are and how angry and how much you hate that person at the moment you do not bring up the issue of divorce because it's not even an issue. That's what commitment means. You made a promise before God.
Most people do not understand the meaning of commitment. Definition: Commitment means being willing to be unhappy for a while until you can work things out. Great marriages do not just happen. They must be worked on. It takes effort.
Evaluate yourself on the commitment level:
If you say, I'm toying with the idea of leaving, give yourself a "1". If you say you use divorce as a threat when you're mad, give yourself a "2". If you say, divorce is not an option, give yourself a "10".
#6. CHRIST. Christ gives you the power and the desire to do the other five. He gives you love when you run out of love. Philippians 2: says "Your attitude toward each other should be the same as that of Jesus Christ."
How do you have that attitude? Get Him in your life. Ask Him to put His Spirit within you, help you think the way He thinks, to treat your husband the way Jesus would treat him, to treat your wife the way Jesus would treat her. The greatest thing you can do for your husband/wife is become a godly person, become like Christ and treat that person like Jesus Christ would.
How do you do that? First invite Christ into your life. Ask Him to fill you with His presence, His Spirit, His thoughts. Then you commit your marriage to Christ, commit your kids to Christ. Commit your family to Christ. Say, "God, I dedicate my marriage to You." Begin praying together. At mealtimes, maybe in bed together at night holding hands. If something is on your heart, hold hands and pray about it. Maybe morning is a good time. Spiritual intimacy produces physical intimacy. Get into the Bible -- begin reading it. Memorize verses together.
Statistics again, from Marriage and Divorce magazine, One out of every two marriages ends in divorce. But when they're married in a church ceremony, it drops to one out of every 50 ending in divorce. When the couple is married in a church ceremony, they attend church regularly, pray and read the Bible together, the divorce rate drops to one out of 1,105.
What is the secret? Christ is the center of their relationship. When both of you love Christ, even more than you love each other. When the husband focuses on growing toward Christ and the wife focuses on growing toward Christ, it automatically brings them together. Christ is not going to fight with Christ.
Evaluate the place Christ has in your marriage:
If He has no place in your marriage, give yourself a "0". If you attend church together and discuss the messages, give yourself a "5". If you pray and read the Bible together regularly, give yourself a "10".
SO WHAT?
Folks, these are the six secrets of building a great marriage. If you're single, these exact things refer to any personal relationship. If you ever have any hope or thought that you might marry someday, you need to be committed to these things. Great marriages do not just happen. It takes communication and consideration and compromise and courtship and compromise and Christ.
As a word of personal testimony, nothing has challenged me so much as the challenge to build my marriage. Nothing compares to the challenge that has been. Not building a church or anything. And also, nothing has been as rewarding. It's worth the effort.
I want to challenge you today to commit your life to Christ totally and unreservedly -- 100%. Say, "God, You made me, You have a plan for my life, I want to get in line with it. Jesus Christ, as much as I know how, come into my life." Matthew 22:37-38 says this “ ‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.' [38] This is the first and greatest commandment.’ ” If you want a great marriage, love God with all your heart first!
Then commit your marriage to Christ. Do whatever it takes to make you marriage great. Make any sacrifice. Be willing to pay any price. Commit yourself to becoming the person God wants you to be. The issue is not looking for the right person. The issue is be the right person. Then watch what God can do in your life.
I encourage you to read the following passage this week. One of the great disciplines in life is to be in God's Word daily. Go for it.
February 21 - Hebrews 13:4: What is the command here for all marriages?
February 22 - Song of Solomon 8:6: Who is the only one who should hold your heart?
February 23 - 1 Corinthians 7:3: What is our responsibility in marriage?
February 24 - Hebrews 10:24-25: How will practice this command in your marriage?
February 25 - Colossians 3:19: What are we commanded to do in this passage?
February 26 - Ephesians 5:21-28: What are God's guidelines for marriage in this passage?
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