Good morning! Is this a great day or what? It is just good to be alive isn’t it? Well, at least I’m glad we’re alive! This week, we are continuing our series on "A PARENT'S SACRED TRUST".
Jesus, one time, in giving an illustration about the home talked about the danger of conflict in the home. In Mark 3:25, Jesus said "A home filled with strife and division destroys itself." What’s Jesus saying? There's a real danger with strife and division and conflict! Conflict can kill a marriage, conflict can kill a family, and conflict can kill a soul.
So today, we want to talk about how to resolve conflict in your home – GOD”S WAY! These principles that we're going to focus in on will help you to grow a great family, no doubt, but these are principles you need for any relationship. If you're single you can obviously use these with your kids or at work, with friends. WHY? Because all relationships involve conflict. Are you ready?
First, lets look at….
#1. THE REASON FOR CONFLICT
If you're going to overcome conflict in your life you have to understand first of all the reason for it, why is it there? The Bible is very clear about this, it's almost blunt. (I love that about the Bible – no mincing or parsing of words like we do today – just real blunt - real matter of fact) James 4:1 says "Do you know where your fights and arguments come from? They come from the selfish desires that war within you." Notice the phrase- selfish desires. That's where they come from. That's why we all face conflict - selfishness, self-centeredness. I want what I want, and you want what you want.
We can see this even in the little things of life. This is why they have duel controls on electric blankets. Should towels be folded in half or thirds. Should the toilet paper loop over or under. All of these things become huge issues. Why? Because we're different. Conflict is inevitable. It's not only because we're selfish but because we're different. These differences make us think, "I want my way; you want your way." It’s like two trains - on course for a head on collision.
Second, let’s look at…
#2. HOW DO YOU RESOLVE CONFLICTS Notice I said resolve? God’s way in dealing with conflict is to always resolve it. The world says avoid it, pretend it doesn’t exist, ignore it. But, God says resolve it!
So, what are the practical steps that the Bible speaks about that help us to resolve the conflicts in our lives?
#1. Become a believer. Commit your life to Jesus Christ. Resolving conflict with others always start by resolving your conflict with God! The Bible says that before we come to Jesus Christ we're in conflict with God. You may feel it or not feel it but it says we're in conflict with God.
We have our way and we're going to do it our way, even though He has a different way. We're separate from Him. We're without Him in the world. We're in conflict within. Jesus Christ came to this world to make peace between man and God, to solve that conflict. This is the key place to begin in resolving conflict in all of our relationships.
Ephesians 2:16 says "As parts of the same body, our anger against each other has disappeared. For both of us have been reconciled to God and so the feud ended at the cross." He's talking about conflict between nations but this works between people too. The feud ended at the cross. God's able to solve the conflicts in our lives at the cross. Many marriage conflicts, many relationship conflicts could be solved overnight, if people would just give their lives to Jesus Christ. HOW? He has the power to resolve conflict – we can only tap into that power when we know him personally!
In my marriage, in my relationships, it is my relationship with Jesus Christ that sets the tone for the ability to handle the conflicts that I face. He gives me the ability to think in a different way and relate in a different way. Finding the love of Christ helped me find the forgiveness in my life that built the foundation of strength for all of my relationships. Finding the love of Christ also gives me the strength to forgive others. If you're going to solve conflicts you've got to have that strength.
If you want to resolve the conflict in your relationships, begin your relationship with Jesus Christ. Then He'll give you the strength to move on to the second point.
#2. Talk to God about the conflict. Pray. Before you talk to the person you are having conflict with, talk to God about it. The truth is, that may resolve it right there! You may find it's mostly your problem anyway.
We all need to learn to vent vertically. We're real good at ventilating horizontally at all the people around us. But before you do that, ventilate vertically. We read in the Bible that David was very good at this. When you read the book of Psalms, he did a lot of this. He told God when he was ticked off! He told God everything he was feeling. Then he would go and talk to others about it. If you and I could do that, we could solve many of those problems with Him. Talk to God about the problem.
Have you ever been in the middle of an argument and thought "What am I going to do? How are we going to solve this? I don't see how we can break through this." James 1:5 talks about God's ability to make a difference in the way we talk about our problems. When I have a problem I can ask Him to help me solve it. "If you want to know what God wants you to do ask Him and He will gladly tell you." God wants to help us.
We just need to talk to Him about the problems that we're facing in our lives. Do you do that? When you are facing conflict, do you pray about it? Do ask God for wisdom to know how to handle it? Or, do you just fly off the handle, trust your own human wisdom, your own reasoning?
If you want to resolve your relationships, talk to God about the conflict. Then He'll give you the strength to move on to the third point.
#3. Change your focus. Change your focus from my needs to their needs. Philippians 2:3-5 says "Don't be selfish. Don't just think about your own affairs but be interested in others' too, in what they are doing. Your attitude should be the kind that was shown us by Jesus Christ."
Let's get honest. When you get angry, when you're in the middle of a conflict, you're preoccupied with yourself, aren't you? What are my needs and how am I going to get these needs met? I've found that if somehow God gets it into my little brain, just five seconds of the thought, "Think about their needs" and I can take just a moment to do that, it changes the entire complexion of the argument.
Christ can give us the strength to do that. He's the one who gives us the power to change our focus. We need to seek to understand not just to be understood. Folks, when we handle conflict in this manor, the world will take notice. The world will say I want what that person has.
Jesus talked about the importance changing your focus in Matthew 7:3. He said "Why do you notice the little piece of dust in your friend's eye, but you don't notice the big piece of wood in your own eye. First, take the wood out of your own eye and then you will clearly see to take the dust out of your friend's eye."
Jesus is saying before you even begin pointing out other people faults, first ask yourself, "what are my faults" Jesus is saying that even if it's a little speck in your eye, just a little bit of the conflict is your fault, it's going to create a blind spot in your life!
I know that most of the time in your conflicts the amount of wrong is maybe 1 hundredth of 1 percent. The other person is mostly wrong. But even if that's true, Jesus is saying here that the tiniest speck of wrong is going to blind you to their needs. All you're going to see is your problem. Ask yourself first, is this my problem? Do I have a problem here?
Folks, one of the most powerful peacemakers in a relationship can be just some simple words. They can change a conflict. "I'm sorry. . . I was only thinking of myself. . . Help me to see things as you do." If you can genuinely say that within any conflict that has the power to make peace. There's a fourth key to solving the conflict in our lives.
#4. Establish Ground Rules! Even countries make arms treaties with one another. The worst of enemies say, There are certain weapons that are out of bounds. Certain weapons we won't use. They know that those weapons, if used, would destroy both sides. There are certain things in communication that are out of bounds. They destroy others when used.
Sharon and always cover this when we do pre-martial counseling with another couple. Figure out what each other’s emotional hot buttons are and don’t go there. Listen to Ephesians 4:31 "Stop being mean, bad tempered and angry, quarreling, harsh words and the dislike of others should have no place in our lives." If you look closely at this verse it helps us to recognize the ground rules that God wants us to have.
God is saying to us about all of our relationships - Instead of being mean, be kind. Instead of being bad tempered, be patient. Instead of anger, try honesty and love. Instead of harsh words, use gentle words. Make the truths of this verse the ground rules for all of your relationships.
Finally, if you want to resolve conflict…
#5. Go and make peace!
If you're going to resolve a conflict the key point is go and make peace. YOU GO! Matthew 5:23-24 says "So when you offer your gift to God at the altar and you remember that your brother or sister has something against you, leave your gift there at the altar, go and make peace with that person and then come and offer your gift."
Folks, conflict is not resolved accidentally. It has to be deliberately dealt with. Go and make peace, not just be willing to wait until they come and make peace with you, but you go and make peace. Not go and make excuses or go and make your point. Go and make peace. Jesus shows us that the only way to resolve a conflict is to face a conflict. That's tough but that's the way to get resolved.
In these verses, Jesus says that resolving the conflict is even more important than church. He says, if you're in church giving an offering and you remember that somebody has something against you, go and resolve that conflict. (Notice he did say, leave your offering and go!) The point is, Jesus said you can't worship God when you have a conflict with others. What do you do when you go and make peace? Three things;
Choose the right time - Choose the right place – choose to make peace. The right time is as soon as possible - after the adrenalin has gone down -- the right place is when you can be alone and deal with your conflict. Don’t iron out your issues publicly! Bad witness!
Finally, go and make peace! It’s the NIKE thing – JUST DO IT! Some of you, there's a conflict you've been struggling with a long time in your life. As a result of today's message what you're going to need to do is go and schedule a peace conference with somebody. It's not going to come easily. You're going to have to schedule a time and make peace. In fact, that's your homework from this message today. Whether it's with a parent, one or all of your children, your husband, your wife, a friend an acquaintance -- schedule that peace conference this week. Go and make peace.
SO WHAT? (what will you do with what you have read?)
1. I resolve to commit my life to Jesus Christ. You may have never done that. That is the first point we talked about. That's where you start. Tell Him you need Him. We need Jesus Christ in our relationships. That's why He came for us, that's why He loves us. Ask for His help. Ask Him to forgive you for the wrongs you've done and give you direction for everyday life. He's promised He will.
2. I resolve to commit my attitudes to Jesus Christ. You may have given your life to Christ but your attitudes have been crummy lately. There’s been a lot of "my way or the high way" stuff going on in your life. He can help you - if you commit your attitudes to Him.
3. I resolve to commit my words to Jesus Christ, the way I talk to others. To let Him help me begin to talk in a more gentle way, in a more clear way and a more loving way. Ask for His help in that. (Ephesians 4:29)
I don't know which one of these resolutions hits home with you but whichever one -- don't try to do all of them, just pick the one that fits with you and begin to live that out this week.
PRAYER: Some of you, as we pray, need to tell Jesus Christ today, "I'm committing my life to You, Jesus." Tell Him that in your heart. You don't even have to say it out loud. He can hear you as you talk in your mind. Tell Him that you need His forgiveness, His direction, the life He can give you.
Some of you need to say, "Lord, my attitude has been rotten lately and I'm committing my attitude anew and afresh to You today. I've been trying to get my needs met by selfishness and it's not working and now I see why. Help me to try Your way."
Some of you just need to talk to God about your words and tell Him, "I haven't been pleased with the way I've been talking to others lately. Would You help me speak in the way You would speak with words that build people up rather than tear people down."
Jesus, we come to You together and ask for Your strength. We pray that You'd help us make these principles from Your word not just something we read about today, but every day for the rest of our lives! AMEN
I really want to encourage you to read through the verses/passages that are below this week. There is no substitute for being in God's Word every day. Nothing will fuel/jump start/sustain your walk with God like digging into God's Word. In the Bible you will find God's will for your life, God's principles, God's values and God's plan and purpose. Build this spiritual discipline into your life.
February 14 - 1 Corinthians 13:1-7: What's the big idea here?
February 15 - Ephesians 4:29-5:4: What does God want coming from our mouth?
February 16 - Joshua 1:8-10: What's the commandment here?
February 17 - 2 Timothy 3:16: What is the truth about the Bible?
February 18 - Matthew 9:35-38: What are told to do here?
February 19 - John 8:31-32: As followers of Christ, what are we commanded to do?
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